My husband and I (both 27) love each other very much
and after five years are still best friends.
My sex drive used to be higher, but now I can go months without,
while he wants it nearly every day.
He's very generous and has compromised a lot,
but I worry that I'm almost asexual.
I occasionally get aroused or have sexual dreams,
but only when we haven't been together in a while.
Sometimes it's a different man in my dreams,
which confuses me, because I've never met anyone
I'm attracted to more than my husband.
There are many possible contributors to a person's low desire,
so do some detective work. Stress, fatigue,
hormonal imbalances or lack of exercise can be the culprits
, but there are more insidious reasons such as depression,
poor body image, or having deep, unexpressed resentment towards a partner.
Caring for young children can cause it.
Many prescription and over-the-counter medications can reduce desire.
Negative sexual views, fears of procreation,
or more profound psychological issues can be at the core –
sex therapy can help. Your words "best friends" raise a red flag,
because some couples are too "enmeshed" for eroticism,
which requires a little distance. Spending time engaged
in separate personal interests will often kickstart renewed sexual interest
– as you've already discovered.
And it's perfectly OK to have sexual dreams about other men!
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist
who specialises in treating sexual disorders
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